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Present your perspective on the issue below, using relevant reasons and/or examples to support your views. "Education will be truly effective only when it is specially designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."

It is often said that education will be truly effective when the education is designed to plan according to his or her individual interest and need. It can be true if you want to be a doctor or lawyer, you need specially designed doctoral education. However I think the purpose of education is different from that.

Corrections:
It is often said that education is most successful when it targets a person’s interests. I think this is true if a person wants to be a doctor or lawyer, whereby they need a specially designed medical education. However I think the purpose of education is different from that. I believe that getting a broader education is more important because it can help people recognize their interests and prepare them to fit into the society easier.

Comments:
To get a higher score, you need to show that you can use a variety of different words with similar meaning. So instead of using the same words from the essay question use your own words.

Include a brief summary of your position. In this case explain what you think is the purpose of education. I wrote a sample sentence for you.

Also, write your essay from an objective viewpoint which means instead of using pronouns ‘I’ or ‘you’ talk about people in general.
I believe ‘doctoral’ refers to someone studying for the PhD and not a medical degree.


To begin with, various kind of education should be provided to everyone. Especially when we are young, we don’t know the future carrier and what carrier is suitable best. By studying a variety of subjects, we find out what interests us and this finding leads to future carrier. For example, when I was at junior high school, I first time studied English and I really enjoyed it. Later I decided to be an English teacher. Thus, providing a variety of subjects to students, students can decide the future goal.

Corrections:
To begin with, various kinds of education should be provided to everyone. When we are young, we don’t know about careers and what career would suit us best. By studying a variety of subjects, we can find out what interests us and this will help us when deciding on a career. For example, when I was at junior high school, the first time I studied English, I really enjoyed it. Later, I decided to be an English teacher. Therefore, by providing a variety of subjects for children to learn, they can find out what they are interested in which will help them to decide on their future profession.

Comments:
Overall, you wrote a good paragraph with a clear point and an effective example.
I’ve made some changes to the wording to make it sound more natural.
The word ‘especially’ is more commonly used within a sentence to focus a reader’s attention to a particular point or example.

The words ‘thus’ and ‘therefore’ can be used interchangeably when are you are stating a logical conclusion, result or consequence immediately after setting up the situation. I prefer ‘therefore’ in this situation because you had placed an example in between the situation and consequences. Personally, I think the word ‘thus’ is rather old-fashioned.

At the beginning, your reasoning was presented logically; study a variety of subjects, learn what interests them and then decide on a career. So in the last sentence I added a point that was missing; learning what interests them.


Next, specializing education does not always lead to a success. Mr.Konosuke Matssshita is the founder of Matsushita Corporation, the world famous electric company in Japan. He made a giant corporation but he only attended elementary school. Therefore, I think having a true basic but broad knowledge is more effective in the society. If you have studied only limited subjects, you may not find a job easily at the end. I know many graduates from Music specialized university can not find a job after graduation. In society, people who has broad and general education tends to be more welcomed because they have more balanced way of thinking.

Corrections:
Next, specialized education does not always lead to success. Mr. Konosuke Matsushita is the founder of Matsushita Corporation, a world famous electronics company in Japan. He built a giant corporation but he only finished elementary school. I am sure Mr. Matsushita is a unique case but this shows that having a basic education is more useful in the real world. By limiting education to a few subjects, it may not be easy to find a job at the end. I know many graduates from a music university who could not find a job after graduation. It may be that it is difficult to apply what one has learned in school to the real world especially if the knowledge is limited. I think that people who have a broad and general education tend to fit into society better because they have balanced view of things.

Comments:
While I think you did a good job explaining your point, I think you need to build up your argument more before stating your position. While the example is effective, you need to provide more reasons to support your position. It might help to know why your friends could not find a job. Is it because ‘music’ is too narrow a field and that there are few music jobs?

When describing the type of education, use the adjective form ‘specialized’ rather than the verb form ‘specializing’. For example, “My son is at university specializing in engineering” in contrast to “You can buy specialized software that detects viruses”.

‘Electric’ refers to a company that provides electricity while ‘electronic’ refers to equipment that used electricity to operate. I changed a few words to more commonly used ones such as; ‘made a built’, ‘attended a finished’, ‘effective auseful’, ‘welcomed a fit in’ and ‘way of thinking a view of things’.

To ‘attend school’ means to be present at school so you can ask ‘Where does your son attend school?” Personally, I tend to use the more casual verb ‘go’. When you graduate from school, we use ‘finish school’ as in “He only finished high school but he is the richest man in town.”


In conclusion, depends on the purpose, education should be designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student. However when we are young, it is more effective to learn a variety of subjects. And we should remember the specialized education does not always necessary to be happy.

Corrections:
In conclusion, if there is a specific purpose then the education should be designed to meet the needs of that person. However for children, I think it is more effective to learn a wide range of subjects so that they have more opportunity to learn what is out in the world and to learn what they like to do. Specialized education does not necessarily guarantee success.

Comments:
I’m glad to see that you started the conclusion with the essay topic followed by your position. It’s an effective writing style. Most conclusions simply repeat without adding anything new so it’s great to see that you ended the conclusion with a thoughtful point. Just add a bit more detail by expanding on your position.
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