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Correction sample 1

Original:
Dear ***

Hello.
We are the members of a non-profit organization for the purpose of supporting medical researchers in Japan. Currently we plan to start a new project to create English study website for the medical researchers and medical school students who study English as a second language. In order to create the website that researchers are really interested in, we would like to use a part of the speeches in your site as an English educational material. Would you give us permission to use a part of them?

Corrections:
Dear ***

We are members of a non-profit organization for the purpose of supporting medical researchers in Japan. Currently we plan to start a new project to create an English study website for the medical researchers and medical school students who study English as a second language. In order to create a website that contains issues that researchers are really interested in, we would like to use part of the speeches on your site as educational material. Weare requesting your permission to use them on our site.

Comments:
You wrote a great beginning to this letter. You explained in a clear and organized way what your company is and what you are seeking.

I changed the way you requested permission. It is more common to phrase it as a request rather than a question. An alternative sentence you could use, ‘We would appreciate it if you would give us your permission to use them on our site’.

Original:
To be more specific, The website are open and all researchers can use the educational contests
for free. On the website, we quote the speeches correctly and after that, add some questions in
order for researchers to understand the speech contents profoundly.  (E.g. what does the
speaker say is the important thing to do good research?) We state the speech sources and
relevant year.

Corrections:
To be more specific, the website will be open to all researchers who can use the educational contents for free.  On the website, we will quote parts of the speeches without alteration following by some questions in order for the researchers to better understand the contents of the speech.  For example, What does the speaker say is important in order to do good research?”  We will acknowledge the source and year the speeches were given.

Comments:
Since the website has not been released as yet, I would use the future tense and say ‘will be open’, and ‘we will quote’.

It isn’t clear if the website is open to researchers only thereby requiring registration, or that the website will be open to all who use the Internet.  I changed it to say that it will be open to all researchers.

I exchanged the word ‘correctly’ for ‘without alteration’ to show that the original speech will be used. ‘Correct’ might be interpreted as making no errors rather than using the original.

In addition to including the source, you could also provide a direct link to their website.

Original:
A lot of researchers who are not native English speakers have enough research capacity to be highly praised around the world. However, some of them are not good at writing and reading English and this becomes the obstacle to carry out their research. Creating the website, we hope to help these researchers and to contribute to development of science.

Thank you very much for your attention.

Corrections:
Many of the researchers are not native English speakers but they have done research that is highly praised around the world. However, some of them are not good at writing and reading English and this has become an obstacle for them to carry out their research.  By creating this website, we hope to help these researchers contribute to the development of science worldwide.

We appreciate your serious consideration of our request.

Comments:
I have a few questions to clarify the situation. Are some of the researchers native English speakers? You say that a lot of them are not, so that would mean that some are. If none of them are not native English speakers which means that they grew up in a country where English is not the main language, but some of them speak English as a second or third language then you can say, ‘Many of the researchers do not speak English ~’. Are all the researchers Japanese? Then you could say ‘Japanese researchers’.

When you say, ‘have enough research capacity to be highly praised around the world’, have they released their research outside of Japan or their country? Or doyou mean that their research should be praised but that they have not released their research outside their own country or Japan because it is not in English? If this is the case then I would change what I wrote to ‘but they have done research that is highly praised here in Japan and should be shared with other countries.’

Another question about ‘English being an obstacle in doing research’; do you mean that because they cannot write their research in English, they cannot share it with researchers in other countries?, or that in order to complete or carry out their research, they need to read other published works that are written in English?

It is best to end a letter stating what kind of action you would like the person to take. In this case, you want them to consider your request.

Notes:
This letter shows that you already possess well developed writing skills. In general, you have a good grasp on the correct grammar tense to use, though a few corrections were required. You know how to link ideas together and write complex sentence structures using appropriate word and phrase usage.

Correction sample 2

Original:
Dear Mr. Smith,

This is Hiroko Takahashi, project manager of ABC Inc., a production company in Tokyo. Mr. Ito, President of B&W Planning, one of your clients, gave me your name and e-mail address. I understand he asked for your approval of letting me know your information in advance.

Corrections:
Dear Mr. Smith:

My name is Hiroko Takahashi, and I am a project manager of ABC Inc., a production company in Tokyo. Mr. Ito, President of B&W Planning and one of your clients, gave me your name and e-mail address. I understand he asked for your approval before letting me know your contact details in advance.

Comments:
Always use a colon following the name in a salutation of a business letter. Commas are only for personal letters. This is (name) is proper format over the phone, but it is not used in letters. Since we have rephrased the first part as My name is, you can no longer put your title behind it without making it part of another phrase, since your title is not part of your name. I added a in front of production manager, because I guess there is more than one production manager in your company. If you are the only one, you may delete a. I added and because it implies more immediacy than a comma does, and since you are trying to recall a relationship and base a new relationship on it, you want to have a stronger sense of the relationship’s importance. Subtly, this does so. Before helps emphasize that proper protocol was followed. Information is vague and may cause Mr. Smith to wonder exactly what you discussed with Mr. Ito. Contact details is more specific and less a cause of concern.

Original:
I am writing to you because Mr. Ito told me that you are planning to revise your company brochure. ABC Inc. has 10 years’ history of helping corporate clients with sales tool production. So I am wondering if we can offer you our professional service for the brochure. Especially I heard you are making Chinese version, ABC could be suitable because our strength is multilingual production and have a lot of experience of making Chinese sales tools. Since we have a global network of professionals including Chinese, our price is pretty competitive.

Corrections:
I am writing to you because Mr. Ito told me that you are planning to revise your company brochure. ABC Inc. has a ten-year history of helping corporate clients with the production of sales tools. We’d like to take this opportunity to offer you our professional service for your brochure needs. In particular, since you are interested in reaching the Chinese market, ABC’s strength in multilingual production and extensive experience in making Chinese sales tools would be of use to you. Since we have a global network of professionals including Chinese partners, our price is rather competitive.

Comments:
It’s good that you mention your intentions and reasons for writing immediately. You don’t want to waste the reader’s time in a business letter. When a number and a noun combine to form an adjective, they are hyphenated and oddly enough the noun becomes singular. Here are a few examples: twelve-story building, nine-year-old boy. Production together with both sales and tools was confusing, so I restated it. I’m wondering is too tentative and dreamy for a business letter. Try to sound confident and as though you are doing them a service by making this offer. Especially is never used to begin a sentence. Don’t say I’ve heard because it sounds like you are indulging in gossip about them. Suitable is too weak a word; use something like useful as above. Pretty as an adverb is a bit juvenile and not suited to formal writing. Do you have Chinese partners, employees, native speakers working for you, in your home office or in China? That is very unclear and you will have to correct it to make it a selling point.

Original:
If possible I would like to visit your company to hear from you more details and prepare an estimate. Please let me know your availability next week. My schedule is open except Thursday.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions. Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you.


Corrections:
If possible I would like to visit you at your company to familiarize myself with your specific needs. After that, I will be able to prepare an estimate. Please let me know your availability next week. My schedule is open except for Thursday.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you.

Sincerely.
Hiroko Takahashi


Comments:
I added you to make this appeal more personal. I made the first sentence reflect more of the effort you plan to make. The estimate is too quick and abrupt a reference to your price, so I moved it to the next sentence. Try to emphasize your services first, and mention the price quietly later, or not mention it at all at this stage, now that you have already reassured the prospective client that your fees are reasonable. Looking forward to is a phrase used between close or casual contacts, and here you are asking for business so you need a more formal tone. Therefore don’t abbreviate your language.

Correction sample 3

Original whole essay:

January 27, 2003
Customer Service
Regent Hotel

Dear Sir:

I am writing to let you know that I am very unhappy with your clerical oversight. I am
a special member of the Global Alliance, which you belong to, and my membership
number is FJP100022. I stayed at your hotel for 4 nights from August 3, 2002 and 5
nights from January 12, 2003 as I heard we could get points three times as many
as usual if we stayed at the hotels belonging to the Global Alliance during the
campaign from April, 2002 to January, 2003. When I confirmed my points with the
Global Alliance the other day, it came out that the points that I was supposed to get
had not been added. According to the Global Alliance, they do not have any record
(register) to confirm my stay because I made the reservation through a travel
agency. Prior to the end of campaign, would you please check this with the Global
Alliance and let me know the findings as soon as possible?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thank you very much in advance for your time,

Sincerely,
Sachiko Tanaka



CORRECTED:

Dear Sir;

I am writing to you, as I'm unhappy with your recent customer service.
I'm a Gold Member of the Global Alliance (of which you are a member) and my membership number is FJP100022. I have stayed at your hotel twice and I haven't been credited for either stay. The first stay was for four nights from August 3, 2002. The second stay was for five nights from January 12, 2003. The only reason I stayed at your hotel was there was a special campaign and I would be able to get triple the amount of points. When I called to confirm my points on __________, I discovered my account hasn't been credited with the points yet.
According to Global Alliance, they don't have any records to confirm my stays because I made my reservation through a travel agency. As the campaign ends this month, I would appreciate your immediate attention in dealing with this problem.Please feel free to contact me (xxx) xxx-xxxx if you have any further questions.Thanking you in advance for your help in dealing with this matter.

Sincerely,
Sachiko Tanaka


NOTES:
I decided to put my notes at the end. Sometimes with letters I think it is better to see the whole corrected thing together. To start off, I don't think we would say we were unhappy with a clerical oversight in an English letter. Instead, we would focus on how unhappy we are with their customer service. Then we would go into the details of what we are unhappy about.

Because you are making a specific complaint about something you should say that you are a Gold Member and not a 'special member'. I know this seems like a small matter but it is the point of the letter. The sentence starting with "I stayed" is too long and contains too much information. It is better if you bring up the complaint first and then the supporting information.

In addition, the part regarding the points is a little confusing. Although I changed the English completely you could also say 'I could get three times as many points than usual in this campaign'. Although you could use the expression 'came out' it would be better to use 'I discovered' or 'I was told'.

You asked a question regarding record/register and you chose the correct word in that situation. When we are talking about if something has been recorded, then we use 'record'. 'Register' is usually used when talking about people as in 'Is his name in the register?' or 'Has he registered yet?'

One thing at the end of the letter is that I don't think you use strong enough language. It is hard to find a balance of being strong and polite at the same time. Please check my wording to see what I mean by this. I added an additional sentence about contacting you in case they have any questions. I think this gives them some more incentive.


Comments from teacher:

I think you did a good job. Unfortunately, I think you are writing a complaint letter Japanese style. It is funny to say this but I think you are being too nice in the letter. Like I mentioned in my notes one has to find a balance between being forceful and polite. Remember they haven't done something that you expected them to do. One of the things I would like you to focus on in the future is the length of your sentences. You are trying to put too much information in one sentence. The problem with this is makes the sentence too confusing. So please be careful in the future. Again I think you can get your message across but we need to work on the awkwardness.

******************************************************************************

                            和訳

私は貴ホテルが加入しているグローバル・アライアンスのゴールドメンバーで、会員番号はFJP100022です。

昨年4月から今年の1月末までのキャンペーン中にアライアンスに加入しているホテルを利用した場合、ゴールドメンバーは通常の3倍のサービスポイントを受けることができるということでしたので、私は昨年8月3日から4泊と今年の1月12日から5泊Regent ホテルに泊まりました。しかし、アライアンスの事務局に確認したところポイントが加算されていませんでした。アライアンス事務局曰く、貴ホテルから私が泊まった記録が届いていないと言うのです。

上記2回の宿泊は旅行会社を通じて予約していますので、アライアンス事務局ではこの記録を確認することが出来ないとの事です。申し訳ございませんが、もうすぐキャンペーンが終わってしまいますので大至急御社よりこの件調査して頂き、アライアンス事務局へ連絡して頂けますでしょうか?そしてその結果を連絡願います。

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