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Correction sample 1
Write an essay on the given TOPIC covering three of the POINTS below.
Structure: Three or more paragraphs, including an introduction and conclusion.
Length: around 200 words
Childcare leave for fathers
・ legal rights
・ effects on children
・ gender equality
・ business culture
・ career advancement
・ househusbands
Original:
In Japan, famous companies have a welfare system which allows fathers to take a childcare leave. But this is not really common like foreign countries like Sweden and Denmark. Even though we have a right to take a childcare leave, it is not easy to use it for the following reasons.
Correction:
In Japan, some famous companies have a system which allows fathers to take childcare leave. Even though we legally have a right to take childcare leave, it is not easy to do so because it is not part of our business culture, there is concern
about career advancement, and househusbands are not common.
Notes:
You started off your introduction well with your first sentence. I added
some because I’m not sure all famous companies have this policy. welfare means money the government pays to people who are very poor, not working, or sick. That doesn’t fit here, so it is better to simply say have a system. In your second system you mentioned Sweden and Denmark but you don’t
refer to them later in your essay. I cut this sentence out because it doesn’t
support your topic or add information. I added legally to the second sentence to show what kind of right you mean. Also, since
I cut your second sentence, I made your introduction longer by mentioning
the points you will discuss in your essay. This also lets the reader know
what is coming.
Original:
First of all, I must say there is almost no business culture in Japan that fathers can take a childcare leave. Some big companies now give childcare leave to fathers legally, many fathers tend to work at office and ask mothers to take care of children.
Correction:
First of all, it isn’t really part of the business culture in Japan for fathers to take childcare leave. Some big companies now give childcare leave to fathers legally,
but many fathers tend to work at the office and ask mothers to take care of children.
Notes:
In this paragraph I think you used information already stated in your introduction
and didn’t really offer any information specifically about the business
culture. Even the information about asking mothers to take care of children
is not really about business culture but just about Japanese culture itself. For example, you could mention that as most businesses
have been run by men and men have been in the top positions, women have
been expected to stay home and care for children for such a long time.
You could also mention that the concept of working mothers is still relatively
new in Japan so men are used to working and being the sole supporters.
In terms of grammar, here is almost no business culture in Japan that fathers can take was rather awkward so I made it less so. In terms of grammar, childcare leave isn’t countable so you can’t use a.
Original:
Secondly, fathers worries career advancement. If fathers take childcare leave, someone replace his job. And after the childcare leave, his colleague and boss may think they can work without him and they don’t need them, Thus, taking childcare leave effects career advancement
Correction:
Secondly, fathers worry about career advancement. If fathers take childcare leave, someone may replace them. And after the childcare leave, their colleagues and boss may think they can work without them and they don’t need them. Thus, taking childcare leave affects career advancement
Notes:
This paragraph was better in that it was logically connected to your point. In terms of grammar, for subject verb agreement, you should use worry. Also, people worry about something. In addition, you can’t replace someone’s job but you can replace
them. The subject of this paragraph is fathers so when you use pronouns
to refer to the subject, you should use them. Most people have more than one colleague so you should use the plural form. Effect is a noun, affect is the verb and here you need the verb form.
Original:
Finally, househusbands are not usual in Japan. Many fathers think that mothers should work households jobs such as taking care of children, cooking, clearing, etc.
Correction:
Finally, househusbands are not usual in Japan. Many fathers think that mothers should take care of household jobs such as taking care of children, cooking, clearing, etc.
Notes:
Even though this was very short, I think it was clear that people don’t
expect men to be househusbands. However, you could use more information
such as people who are in a situation with a househusband (either the househusband
himself or the wife) are often looked down on or thought strange. This
would more strongly support the idea that they are not common. Also the
correct phrase is household jobs. Women don’t work household jobs. They take care of them or do them.
Original:
Thus, the spread of childcare leave of fathers will take long time because Japanese tradition is different. However, I think it is good thing for fathers to be with children if possible because fathers don’t have much time to spend with children.
Correction:
Thus, the spread of childcare leave of fathers will take a long time because Japanese traditions are different. However, I think it is a good thing for fathers to be with children if possible because fathers
usually don’t have much time to spend with children.
Notes:
I think this was a pretty good conclusion. We say a long time. Japan has more than one tradition so you should use the plural form and
are for subject verb agreement. We say a good thing. Also, I added usually because this is not always the case.
Comments:
Overall this was pretty good. You could review grammar, especially article usage. You could also still work on the form of your essay, but overall good job! |
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