Correction sample 1
Original:
American Idol
I and my fiancé have enjoyed watching one TV program the name
is "American idol".
This is a singing competition show created in USA. We are always surprised how
interestingperson participated in this show.
Correction:
American Idol
My fiancé and I enjoy watching a TV program called “American
Idol”. It is a singing
competition, which was created in the
US. We are always surprised to watch the unique contestants.
Comments:
When we talk about someone we are engaged to, we call them our fiancé.
You must say, My
fiancé and I, not I and my fiancé
. You can shorten the sentence by using….called “AmericanIdol” after TV
program. Interesting people is OK, but unique is a stronger word that you
could you instead. You can call the people who participant in a singing
or dancing competition ‘contestants’.
Original:
Some of the contestants were almost like a pro. But some of them obviously participated with
h only high self-esteem and ego. They didn’t seem to have passion to sing,
just wanted to
become a celebrity.
Corrections:
Some
of the contestants were almost like professionals.
But many of them only had a high self esteem and a big ego going for them. They didn’t seem to have a passion for singing, they just wanted to be a celebrity.
Comments:
It would be OK to use the word ‘pro’,
but I would use professional the first time around and then use ’pro’ after
that. It sounds more natural. When someone has a good or bad thing in their
personality, we often say they have “a high self esteem and a big ego going for them. When we talk about having a passion
for something, we must use the –ing form of the verb .i.e. a passion for
dancing, a passion for cooking.
Original:
These types of attendees tended to make a fuss, scatter, and leave dirty word afterthey were rejected by judges. Their action gave us
big surprise and laugh.
Corrections:
This type of contestant tended to make a fuss and
cuss after they were rejected by the judges. Their actions surprised us and made us laugh.
Comments:
I am not sure what you meant by scatter, but instead
of leave a dirty word you could use cuss, which means to swear or use slang. We
don’t use give a surprise but be surprised. And we use the passive form, made
us laugh.
Original:
But on the contrary， we wonder how they developed such a strong confident?
How they can express their mind so vividly and wildly? Because for
their freedom or for the mix-race country?
Corrections;
But on the contrary, we wonder how they became so confident. How they can express themselves
so uniquely? Is it because they have freedom or because they come from a multi-cultural country?
Comments:
You don’t need a question mark after the first sentence because you are
not asking a direct question. It is more natural to say become confident
or if you want to use develop you can say develop confidence. I changed
vividly and wildly to unique because it ties in your earlier statement.
In the last question you need to say they have freedom. It is also more
natural to say they come from a multi-cultural country.
Original:
When we were in there, it was easy to find out someone who was extremely
conspicuous. But in Japan, for the
single nation or not, it is hard to find anyone very unique around the corner
quickly.
Corrections:
When we were in the US, it was easy for us to find people who stood out. But in Japan, being a mono-cultural country, it is hard to find
someone unusual.
Comments:
You need to clarify the ‘there’ to the US,
because you haven’t actually said you were there. You have only said you
watched the program, which was American. It is more natural to say stand out
than conspicuous. We use conspicuous when we talk about people who are easily
seen, not stand out. For example, the man in the bright red coat was
conspicuous at the funeral. Because I used multi-cultural country previously, this
time I used mono-cultural country as a contrast.
Original:
Watching American Idol remind us how USA was exciting country with a various
type of people was existed. We can’t wait till next season is broadcasted.
Corrections:
Watching American Idol reminds
us how exciting the U.S is, with lots of interesting people co-existing. We can’t wait till the next season is
broadcasted.
Comments:
In this last paragraph you can use the
word so-exist, which means being different but be able to live together.
Notes:
Your essay is very well set out. You
have explained what American Idol is, why you like it and why the people may be
so interesting. There are no major mistakes in your English, however you need
to look at using natural expressions and using a wider range of vocabrary.
I have never watched the program myself,
but I know it is a big hit in many countries.
Correction sample 2
Original:
Hello, expecting my teacher.
I'm hesitating to write this letter, because I hardly write something in
English. So, I want to you suggest and teach how to write in English correctly,
naturally and fluently.
Correction:
Hello,
I'm nervous about writing this letter, because I
hardly ever write anything in English. So, I’d like you
to teach me how to write in English correctly, naturally and fluently.
Notes:
1) I’m nervous about……is more natural than I’m
hesitating to….. 2) In this case, you could use the adverb of frequency hardly
ever which means rarely.
Alternatively, you could just use hardly but you
would have to change the sentence to ‘I can hardly write anything in
English’ . This
sentence implies that you have a lot of difficulty writing in English. 3) I’d you like to is a
little softer and not as demanding as I want you to.
Original:
My name is Shinji, who eager to unravel the mystery of life and to, if
possible, reconstruct the system which is thought to be a life in silico.
Correction:
My name is Shinji and I’m eager to unravel the
mystery of life and to, if possible, reconstruct the system, which is
thought to be a life in silico.
Notes:
1) In this situation when talking about yourself and I’m
eager is more suitable and informal then …, who eager.2)Yasunori, I didn’t really understand the meaning of this
sentence, particularly the last line, which I have underlined. I’m sorry.
Original:
I belong to
information technology lab. at an electric company for studying and developing
algorithms for systems-biology which is interdisciplinary study of biology
using computer.
Correction:
I work in an
Information Technology Lab at an Electric company,
studying and developing algorithms for systems-biology, which is the interdisciplinary
study of biology using computers.
Notes:
1) Usually we use belong to for a
group or a club, so I think in this case work in a laboratory is more
appropriate. This
paragraph was quite good.
Original:
To make my dream real, I want to study more among top-notch researcher
in this field and have connection with them, so I want to study abroad and
eager to master English!
Correction:
To make my dream areality, I want to study more among top-notch
researchers in this field. I would also like to
study abroad and am eager to master English!
Notes:
1) Instead of repeating I want to, I would
also like to is a good alternative. It generally sounds better in written English.
Original:
My favorite way of study English is reading, sometime with speak aloud. I've
read the book
Correction:
My favorite way of studying English is by reading, sometimes
aloud. I've read the book…..
Notes:
1) We use by when
explaining a method or way of doing
something. 2)Take care with the use of sometime v sometimes. Sometimes is an adverb of frequency, which is
similar to occasionally. For example, I
sometimes go to the beach in summer.
Sometime basically means at a time not known or not stated. For example, I’ll visit you again sometime.
This was a good effort.
My only advice would be to keep it simple.
Correction sample 3
Original whole essay:
I've been living San Francisco, USA and it has past 1 month since I came here. I
'm going to stay in the States for a year.The reason why I came here is cultual
exchange between the States and Japan. Now, have been introducing Origami (Paper
Folding) and Japanese greeting at the elementary school in SF. Children are so
cute and they are interested in Origami very much. But it's so hard for me to teach
Origami and Japanese to them because my English is broken and sometimes they
can't understand my English. I think I have to study English harder now.
Original:
I've been living San Francisco, USA and it has past 1month since I came here.
I'm going to stay in the States for a year.
Correction:
I've been living in San Francisco for the past month.
I'm going to live here for one year.
Comments:
It is better to say for the past month. It is not really necessary to say USA
after San Francisco because it is very well known.
Original:
The reason why I came here is cultural exchange between the States and Japan.
Now, I have been introducing Origami ( Paper Folding) and Japanese greeting at
the elementary school in SF.
Correction:
I came to the US to do a cultural exchange
between the US and Japan. Recently I have been teaching origami (Japanese paper
folding) and Japanese greetings to elementary school children.
Comments:
I changed the beginning of the sentence, as it was a little wordy. You can
start off the sentence with I came to the US. Even though you don't say it, it
is understood you are talking about the reason. If you use the word
"now", you need to use the present tense, as it is something you are
doing at this moment. It is probably better to say "recently" (which
means in the past few days or weeks) in this situation.
I'm not sure if you are teaching at one elementary school or many. When I made
the correction I just said elementary school children. If you are teaching only
at one school in San Francisco (please remember when you are writing an essay
you can't use SF for San Francisco) you need to say an elementary school in San
Francisco. When you say the elementary school in San Francisco it sounds like
there is only one elementary school in San Francisco.
Original:
Children are so cute and they are interested in Origami very much. But It's so
hard for me to teach Origami and Japanese to them because my English is broken
and sometimes they can't understand my English. I think I have to study English
harder now.
Correction:
The children are very
cute and they are very interested in origami. It's very hard
for me to teach them as my English isn't very good
and sometimes they can't understand me. I think
I have to study English some more.
Comments:
I think Japanese people use the word "so" more than native English
speakers. We tend to use the word "very" more. Also I changed the
"very" from the end of the sentence to in front of interested. This
is the correct usage of "very". For example: very interesting, very
expensive, and very tall.
We don't say my English is very "broken". It is better to say it
isn't very good. I also added that sometimes they can't understand me because
I'm sure they understand some of what you say. I often hear students say 'My
English is broken'. However this is not correct. If you say this it means that
your English is damaged or destroyed. Of course, this doesn't make sense. You
can say broken English in this situation though. If you say 'broken English' it
means that your English is not good. In this case, you have to put the
adjective in front of the noun.
Notes:
This sounds like a very interesting job. I'm sure the students are very
interested in learning new things. One of the great things about children are
they want to learn new things. Also, they are probably very forgiving about
your English. I think you did a good job explaining about what you were doing.
Maybe you could have had some more information but I got an understanding of
what you were doing. Good luck with your program.
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