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Task One
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You should spend about 20 minutes on this task,
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the infomation in the
graph below,
You should write at least 150 words,
Original:
The graph shows the data of the rates of smoking in Someland for men and women. It is clear to see the trend of decline of the rate of number of smoking for both gender.
Corrections:
The graph shows the date of the rates of smoking in Someland for men and
women between the years of 1960 and 2000. The trend of decline in the number
of smokers of both genders is clear to see. It is also obvious that men
consistently smoked more than women in this period.
Notes:
When introducing a graph you should always state when the data refers to e.g. 1960 to 2000. 2. It is clear to see (that) + SVO e.g. It is clear to see that smoking has declined. As you don’t have another verb in this sentence, it is better to change
the word order. 3. Rate includes the idea of number, so you do not need both in the sentence. You could also say, the decline in the smoking rate. 4. In the conclusion, you suddenly mention that men smoke more than women.
Conclusions should not contain new information, so I added the last sentence.
Original
From 1960 to 1977, the number of smoking for women increased from 80 out of 1,000 people to 330, this is more than four times increase. However, after the peak in 1977, the number of woman smokers was quite same until 1984, then decreased slightly every year and reached to approximately 200 people in 2000.
Corrections:
From 1960 to 1977, the rate of smoking for women increased from 80 out of 1,000 to 320, this is a more than four times increase. However, after the peak in 1977, the number
of women smokers was quite stable until 1984, then decreased slightly every year and reached approximately 200 in 2000.
Notes:
Smoking is countable, so you cannot use the word number. You could say the number of smokers or the rate of smoking. 2. People includes men so is inaccurate here. You could use 1,000 women, but it is better to just use the number. 3. Same is almost always used with the, but almost never with quite. You can say remained almost the same until 1984, was/remained almost unchanged.. or was/remained stable. 4. If you want to use people, or more accurately women, you have to say 200 women per 1000, or it would mean only 200 in the entire population. However in your first sentence you said out of 1,000, so you don’t need to explain again.
Original:
On the other hand, the number of male smokers was 600 out of 1,000 in 1960 and it had gradually decreased every year and dropped to 250 in 2000.
Corrections:
On the other hand, the number of male smokers was 600 out of 1,000 in 1960
and it gradually decreased every year, dropping to 250 in 2000.
Notes:
The past perfect tense (it had decreased) is used to talk about something that happened before the events we are talking about. In this case, you said 1960, so using
the past perfect means the decrease was before 1960. The decrease happened after 1960, so the simple past, decreased is correct. 2. and dropped sounds like there were 2 stages a) a gradual decline b) a drop just before
2000. However there is only one stage so we need a present participle (dropping, falling) to describe the whole stage.
Original
In conclusion, this graph shows us the trend of decreasing of both rate of smokers of men and women, however, still men’s number is always a little higher than that of women’s. (151 words)
Corrections:
In conclusion, this graph shows us an overall trend of decreasing smoking rates amongst both men and women. However, the number of male smokers remained a little higher than those of women
at the end of the period.
Notes:
The trend of is usually followed by S.V.O. the trend of decreasing smoking rates was stronger among men, however a trend of can be used with a noun. 2. Does still have the meaning of however here, or does it mean even now? I guessed you meant even now, or even in 2000, so I changed the sentence
and added at the end of the period. 3. In formal writing, it is best to avoid apostrophes ‘ . I would say, the number for men. Also an apostrophe has the meaning of “of”, so in the last sentence you should write than that of women not of women’s.
Comments:
This essay has a good structure of introduction, body and conclusion, and
does accurately describe the graph. Make sure that your introduction includes
the time period, and all the points you are going to talk about in your
essay. You have tried to use a variety of vocabulary, but don’t always
use it with the correct grammar. These expressions may not be easy to remember,
as they are not used in spoken English, but if you practice you will improve. |
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