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Correction sample
1
Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no
specialist knowledge of the following topic.
Recycling is now an
essential measure: It is time for everyone in society to
become more
responsible towards the environment. To what extent do you agree
or disagree
with this statemen? Give reasons for answer and include any
relevant
example.
You should write at least 250 word.
Original:
In
industrialized countries, we live in relatively luxurious lives which are full
of foods and goods we need. Peolpe throw away goods, once they feel the goods
are not neccesary. Now, there are movements to recycle unneccesary goods. I
totally agree with theis action, beause there are some advantages to live in
safty.
Correction:
In
industrialized countries, we live relatively luxurious lives which are full
of
all the food
and goods we need. People throw away
goods once they feel
they are
unnecessary. Now
there are movements to recycle these
goods. I totally agree with
this since there
are
many advantages
to
recycling.
Comments:
Overall
this is not a bad opening paragraph. You
have a few mistakes with word choice but nothing serious. In your last sentence, I changed a few things
to make it sound more natural. You used
the word “action” which was unnecessary so I deleted it. I also changed “some
advantages”
to “many
advantages”. The reason for this is because when you use
the word “some”
it sounds like there are not that many and it could sound negative. Since you agree that recycling is good, the
word “many”
would be a better choice. I was a little
unclear about what you meant with “to
live in safty”
so I changed it to “to
recycling”.
Original:
In
the past people did not recycle at all. Becasuse they did not know how to
recycle goods abandoned. They used to abandon in the sea or burried the earth.
Its action gave damages to creature which lived in the spoiled places. We used
to eat fishes and vegetables which grow up in polluted place. some of us had
some sickness such as food poisoning, skin rashs or azuma.
Correction:
Recycling
is very important today in order to have a clean and healthy
environment. In the past,
since people did
not know how to recycle
properly, it was not common to recycle. Garbage used
to
be abandoned
in
the sea or
buried in the
earth. This action
harmed
the creatures
that lived
in
these places. When people ate the
fish
or vegetables
that grew in
the polluted
areas, they became sick with food
poisoning, skin rashes or
eczema.
Comments:
When
you are writing an exam essay such as TOEFL or IELTS, it is important to have
a topic sentence for each
paragraph. In this paragraph, you talked
about why recycling wasn’t so common in the past. You need to make sure your opening sentence
is clear on what your topic is. I
combined your first two sentences to back up the topic sentence I wrote. Another point you should watch out for it
your verb tense. You were talking about
how people didn’t recycle as much in the past so your verbs, when talking about
the sicknesses that were common then, should be in the past tense. For example, “ate” instead of “used to eat”
and “grew” instead of “grow”. Also be
careful of not starting sentences with “because”, “so”, “and” or “but” when you
are writing an essay like this. These
words are connectors and should only be used in the middle of a
sentence.
Original:
We also burned all rubbishes. This method to do
away with rubbishs leads to gloval warming by emitting carbon dioxide. Gloval
warming rise the level of the sea and also threaten all animals. In fact a lot
of people die by heat wave in summer. Many kind of animals disappear year after
year. Although some peole argue that recycling process need a lot of money, We
have to take measure to recyle in order to save creature lives.
Correction:
Global
warming
is another reason why recycling today is so important. In the past, people
burnt
their garbage to
do away with
it and this action contributed to global
warming by emitting carbon dioxide
into the atmosphere. Global
warming threatens
all
life. The temperature is rising which increases
the
level of the sea and
causes heat
waves
which kill many people each year. Even
though many people
argue that recycling costs
money,
we have to take measure to recycle in order to save
the earth.
Comments:
You
have many good ideas in this paragraph but you should pick one topic for each
paragraph. It was a little confusing so
I tried to combine your sentences in order to focus on global warming. You will need to do some practice with
complex sentences and learning how to use words like “which” and “that”. This allows you to make your sentences longer
by giving your reasons in the same sentence as your examples. One other point to mention is when you are
giving examples; you have to be careful that they are valid. For example, you said that in the past,
people would burn their garbage and that contributed to global warming. However, this practice is still common
today. So it may not be a valid reason
in your argument.
Original:
To
sum up, although it is tiresome to separate goods to be recycled in our busy
lives， we have to think how important the recyling is. We also possitively have
to take part in the recycling movement with neighborhoods. （246
words）
Correction:
To
sum up, although it is tiresome to separate goods to be recycled in our busy
lives,
it is important
to
remember how necessary recycling
is. We also have to take
a positive role in
the recycling movement within
our neighborhoods.
Comments:
This was a good closing paragraph.
It was short and to the point. I
made a few changes with your word choices.
For example, you wrote “We also positively have to take part” which I
changed to “We also have to take a positive role”. This sounds more natural.
Please
keep up the good work. Learning to write
a successful exam essay takes practice and patience. It may seem like I changed a lot in your
essay but overall, all the ideas were yours.
I just made it sound more like a native English speaker. With time, you will be able to do that
yourself.
Correction sample 2
Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist
knowledge of the following topic.
Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?
You should write at least 250 words.
Original:
Some people may say it is the responsibility of the government of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves, there are many poor countries in the world and people suffer from food shortage, bad education, disease, and etc. So, I think wealthy countries should share their wealth among poorer nations.
Corrections:
Some people may say it is the responsibility of the government of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves, but there are many poor countries in the world and people living in them suffer from food shortage, bad education and disease. Wealthy nations have more food than they need, so they I think they have a responsibility to feed people in poor countries. However, only food is not enough, people also need education to help them solve their problems.
Notes:
I think the question is really about who is responsible and this is something you don’t talk about directly in your essay. For example, I might write that rich countries are causing global warming which makes it harder for people in poor countries to grow food, so we have a responsibility to help them.
2. The main points of your essay are, 1) instead of wasting food, wealthy
nations should give the food to people who don’t have enough to eat 2)
only giving food will make new problems unless we give education too. You
must include your main points in the introduction.
Original:
Wealthy countries should know about the poor countries. In Africa, many children die every day because they don’t have enough food. Because they are poor, they can’t buy food, they died. On the contrary, wealthy country people have a lot of food and they threw away food when they don’t want to eat. For example, I went to the party and it was biking style. A lot of food was remained after the party and waiters threwed away them. I think we should provide the food to the poor people.
Correction:
The food we waste should be used to save people who are starving. In Africa, many children die every day because they don’t have enough
food. Because they are poor, they can’t buy food and they die. On the contrary, people in wealthy countries have a lot of food and they throw away food when they don’t want to eat. For example, I went to a buffet style party. After the party, a lot of food remained and waiters threw it away. . I think we should provide the food to poor people, so that they can have longer lives.
Notes:
Your paragraph needs a topic sentence: a first sentence that tells the reader the main point. You said, Wealthy countries should know about poor countries, but you don’t directly say what will happen if we have more knowledge about poor countries. Your paragraph is about wasting food while poor people are starving, so I changed the topic sentence to match that. 2. Be careful with irregular verbs. The pattern is throw - threw - thrown. 3. Biking means riding a bicycle. You mean buffet. 4. I added the last part to make your argument as clear as possible.
Original;
There are many problems to poor countries. Population of almost poor countries is too many and if we help them, their population increase more. So wealthy countries should teach about birth control. By this education, population of poor countries go down.
Corrections:
In addition, the wealthy countries should give education. Unfortunately, food aid alone will not solve the problems of poor countries. The population of almost all poor countries is too large and if we give them food, their population will increase even more. Therefore, wealthy countries should teach about birth control. Because of this education, the population of poor countries will go down.
Notes:
There are many problems to poor countries could be a topic sentence, but I think it is too vague. I changed it to so that it is more specific. 2. We say, there are many people, but the population is large. 3. I think help them is too vague. You are talking about food, not medicine or education, so you should say so. 4. You need will. If we give them food, their population will increase. This means that we haven’t given any food yet, but we are sure about the result. 5. So and therefore have the same meaning, but therefore is more formal, so it is better at the beginning of essay sentences. 6.
By is not used for a direct result (By teaching about birth control, we learnt a lot about the local culture = indirect result, because learning about culture was not our aim). For a direct result, you need because.
Original:
In conclusion, I strongly believe the wealthy countries should provide such as food and education. By doing so, world become a better place to live.
Corrections:
In conclusion, I strongly believe the wealthy countries should provide
aid such as food and education. By giving these things together, people in poor countries could have healthier lives and we would avoid large population increases. In this way, the world would become a better place to live.
Notes:
In the conclusion, you should restate your argument quickly, so I added the second sentence. 2. Because of my changes, I had to change by doing so to in this way, but you were correct.
Comments:
This was a difficult question to write about. You picked out the points of food and education and included a good example with the people throwing away party food. To get a good grade, you needed to talk about responsibility, so make sure you take your time when you read the question, so you can find all the keywords. You used some good phrases, such as on the contrary, to link your essay together. However you need to work on the essay structure. Decide what your 2 main points are BEFORE you write the introduction. Good luck with the next one! |
