Correction sample 1
Are
We Doing Enough to Protect the Environment?
Original:
I would say yes and no. Focusing on the global warming, one of the most important
environmental issues, I would like to express the reasons. (25)
Correction:
Protecting
our environment is one of the biggest issues facing modern society today.
However it is difficult because there isn’t one effective solution and each
country tries to handle it in their unique way. (34)
Notes:
If the speech
topic is a question, particularly a yes and no one, don’t start out with saying
yes and no. In a speech, start with some general information related to the
topic and then end with a strong thesis statement in your introduction. You can
say you agree or disagree with something and briefly mention why, which will be
the reasons you discuss in your speech.
Original:
First, as having been shown in the Kyoto Protocol, we have been trying to
reduce carbon dioxide emissions and other greenhouse gases on a world scale. We
have been aware of the seriousness of the problem and have been working on it
from various views. In that respect, I could say yes.
However, the problem is whether the real cause of global warming is carbon
dioxide. If not, we are tackling these issues in vein. In that respect, I
cannot help saying no.
Correction:
First, we still haven’t found the best solution
for protecting the environment. We have been trying to reduce carbon
dioxide emissions and other greenhouse gases but recent
discoveries show us that the real cause of global warming may not be carbon dioxide and
these gases. It is a complex problem that needs more research before it can be completely
solved. (60)
Notes:
Usually in this kind of speech you need to choose a side and support it.
Even if you feel as you do, you need to choose one point of view to support.
Part of this test is to see if you can effectively present your opinion and
logically support it. So, in this speech I felt that it was better to say no,
enough wasn’t being done. I rewrote this paragraph using your ideas but supporting
one point of view. In addition, try to use two body paragraphs. You didn’t need
the sentence between the two points.
Original:
Furthermore, China and America are not fully with the idea of Kyoto Protocol.
Similarly, there are disagreements among developed countries and developing
countries about carbon dioxide reduction, even within Japan. In these respect,
I also can’t say we are doing enough.
Correction:
Second, as we have seen with the Kyoto Protocol, several
countries have their particular ideas on how to solve this problem. For
instance, China and America do not support the Kyoto
Protocol. Similarly, there are differing opinions about
carbon dioxide reduction between developed countries and developing
countries and even within Japan. If we work together and make compromises, we can do more for
the environment. (65)
Notes:
In this
paragraph, I used your idea of differing opinions and made it more developed.
By putting your ideas together and adding a few details you can have a stronger
paragraph.
Original:
Today, we
can’t spend any day without hearing or seeing the environment-related news.
This means the environment is the top priority for all nations. However, unless
the causes of global warming have been identified, we can’t say we are doing
enough to protect the environment, no matter hard we are working on it. (53)
Correction:
In
conclusion, the environment should betop
priority for all nations. However, unless we work
together and identify the causes of global
warming, we aren’t doing enough to
protect the environment, no matter hard we are working on it.(40)
Notes:
Your
conclusion was too long. You do have a word limit so you should try to stick to
it. Also, your first sentence would have been better at the beginning of the
speech because it was general information about the topic. I cut a lot of
information to make it more concise.
Comments:
For your first try, this was okay. I think in the beginning we should concentrate
on the form, then content, then grammar. I look forward to seeing more
of your speeches.
Correction sample 2
How the aging population will affect society
Original:
I heard on TV that Japan’s aging population over 65 years old will be one third of all population in 30 years. I think it effects our society in many ways, especially facility at the public transportation and working condition.
Correction:
I heard on TV that Japan’s aging population, those over 65 years old, will be one third of the total population in 30 years. I think the increase in the aging society will effect our society in many ways, most of them beneficial to society as a whole.
Notes:
I think you started off your speech rather well by stating the population will increase using statistics. However, population over 65 years was a little awkward. In your second sentence, it was unclear. You could mean the news or the increase in the population
of the elderly. I added the increase in the aging society to clarify what you meant. Also, I think it’s okay to say the increase
will effect our society, but the sad fact is many people see that as negative
nowadays because of the pension and having to support them. I think by
mentioning that the effects are beneficial you catch the listener's attention
because they want to know what kinds of positive effects this can have.
Original:
Firstly, the increase of aging population will make facility at the public transportation more convenient. For example, many train stations now have escalator or elevator or slopes because old people has difficulty to walk on the stairs which weren’t ten years ago. This is also convenient for young mothers who has a baby in a trolly. In addition, many bus companies are changing their buses to non-step buses, this is another example made for old people.
Correction:
First of all, one benefit of the increased aging population is that public
transportation facilities will become more convenient. For example, many train stations now have an escalator, elevator or slopes because old people have difficulty walking up and down the stairs. This is also convenient for young mothers who have a baby in a stroller. In addition, many bus companies are changing their buses to so-called “non-step buses”, for old people.
Notes:
I think this paragraph had a lot of good information and your examples
were excellent. Your first sentence though was a little weak. You should
point out that this is an advantage. As it is, that was not clearly stated
so as the listener hears your speech they have to figure it out. Help the
listener by stating this first. Also, we say public transportation facilities.
In your second sentence you are listing three things, so you need to use commas after the first and second listings. For subject verb agreement you should say old people have and young mothers who have. difficulty to walk on the stairs which weren’t
ten years was a little awkward because it sounds as those the elderly didn’t have
that problem ten years ago. By cutting the part about ten years ago you
make this less confusing and you save words. Finally non-step bus is not an English phrase so I added so-called to show that is what they are called in Japan.
Original:
Secondly, we have more old people in the working office. Although most of people retires at age 60, many people receive the pension when they become 65. So for that five years, they tend to work. I think this is a good thing because those people has a lot of experience both at work and private, young people can learn from them.
Correction:
Secondly, we can learn from older people’s experiences and knowledge. We have more old people working in offices. Although most people retire at age 60, many people receive the pension when they become 65. So for those five years, they tend to work. I think this is a good thing because those
people have a lot of experience both at work and private and young people can learn from them.
Notes:
In this paragraph I think your point is that another advantage is that we can learn from older people, not necessarily that there are old people working in the office. I think that in itself is not a strong advantage. I think you had good ideas here, but if like in your previous paragraph; you had given more information or examples about what we can learn from older people instead of mentioning that people retire at 60 but work until 65, your paragraph would have been stronger. For example, you can mention how older people have more expertise in certain areas because they have done the job for so long. They can teach us all they know about the job and this can make our jobs easier because we don’t have to learn everything for ourselves. Or, you can talk about how older people have more traditional manners, so they can teach us very polite business manners, something many people don’t have today. The details you included are not showing how it is advantageous to have an increase in the older population.
Original:
In conclusion, I think aging population effects our society a lot and it makes us act kindly. It is important to be kind to people and we can learn this feeling form old people.
Correction:
In conclusion, I think the increase in aging population benefits our society greatly. It is important to realize that they are not a burden on our society
and respect them and give them the appreciation they deserve.
Notes:
I think your conclusion was a little weak because you started talking about being kind to others which really wasn’t related to your speech. I changed the ending to make it more connected to the ideas discussed in your speech.
Comments:
Overall you did a good job. It flowed rather smoothly, but you still need to clarify what kind of effects you mean i.e. good effects. I think in your second paragraph you did a good job talking about the aging society benefits all people but in your third paragraph it was difficult to get. Your grammar wasn’t too bad. I mostly changed things to make them sound more natural or clearer. Keep up the good work!
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