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Learning about the past has no value for those of us living in the present. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Original:
I don’t agree with the statement that the past has no value for those of us living in the present. We can learn so many things from past like war and mistakes. Here are the reasons below.
Correction:
There has been some argument as to whether learning about the past has
any value for us now. Some people feel we should live only in the present.
However, I don’t agree with the statement that the past has no value for those
of us living in the present. We can learn so many things from the past like about how horrible war is and mistakes our predecessors made.
Notes:
Don’t start off your essay with stating your opinion. Instead, start off with background information related to the topic or restate the question in your own words. I rewrote the beginning of your introduction by rephrasing the topic. In addition, war and mistakes is too vague. What about war? You could mean war time strategies, techniques, anything. I think you mean how horrible war is so I changed it. The same with mistakes. Whose mistakes? Finally, I cut your last two sentences because you already mentioned your reasons just before that sentence; we can learn about how horrible war is and we can learn about mistakes made in the past.
Original:
Firstly, when the war occurred, people tried to kill other people. People destroyed the house, bridge, road, and etc. After the war, we understand that war was wrong. By learning this, we think we should not occur the war again. This is the value of learning about the past.
Correction:
Firstly, we can learn about how horrible war is. We learn that when war occurs people try to kill other people. People destroy houses, bridges, roads, and etc. By learning about these things, we can fully understand that war causes
great amounts of pain and suffering and we realize we should try not to
have wars again.
Notes:
You need to begin each paragraph with a topic sentence that gives the reader
an idea of what this paragraph is about. Usually your topic sentence is
similar to what you mention in your introduction. Here, you talk about
the bad points of war; however, your topic sentence was about people killing
others. This is an example of how war is bad. I wrote a new topic sentence
and used your first sentence as an example. Also, since you mean all wars,
you can use the present tense and wars destroy more than one house, bridge
and road so it is better to use the plural form. Finally, I changed the
last part of that paragraph to make it more sophisticated.
Original:
Secondly, after the atomic bomb was dropped in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, we recognized that atomic bomb caused many problems such as destroying the city and caused people leukemia. Japan is the only country who experienced the atomic bomb. So Japanese people should inform people in the world about atomic bomb. If we inform them, they will understand the atomic bomb’s power and they will think not to use atomic bomb in the future. This is another thing we can learn from the past.
Correction:
Secondly, we can learn from mistakes made in the past. For example, after the atomic bomb was dropped in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, we recognized
that the atomic bomb caused many problems such as destroying the city and caused
people to develop leukemia. Japan is the only country who experienced the atomic bomb so if we learn from Japanese people about the damage it caused, we will understand the atomic bomb’s power and we will think not to use atomic
bombs in the future.
Notes:
I think you had a lot of good details here. You needed a topic sentence
because your point is learning about mistakes, not that the atomic bomb
destroyed these cities. These are examples of mistakes. One thing, is that
since this happened in the war, it is sort of related to your second example.
Sometimes it is better to use two unrelated examples. Also, you mention
that Japanese people need to inform others. Since the question is about
learning and not teaching, I changed these sentences to focus more on learning.
Original:
In conclusion, I disagree with the statement that the past has no value for those of us living in the present. We can learn many things from the past and take advantages of them. There are many things of the past we can learn, and if we learn more, our life will be better.
Correction:
In conclusion, I disagree with the statement that the past has no value
for those of us living in the present. We can learn many things from the
past such as about how horrible war is and mistakes people made. We can take advantage of this knowledge to make the present world a safer and happier place.
Notes:
Overall, this was okay. You should briefly summarize the points mentioned
in your essay. I wrote in those points to give you an example. I also changed
your closing to make it stronger. Yours was okay, especially the last phrase,
but I wanted to show you how to make a stronger ending.
Comments:
Overall this was a pretty good essay. You need to work on your topic sentences
and introduction, but your details were good. Keep up the good work. |
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